Next time

And I fell that

the next time we meet –

if we meet –

it will be our last

And I know that

no matter what we once said;

we will walk away -

away from each other

And I feel that

the next time we meet

I’ll have grown – but you;

you'll still be the same

And does it really matter

if I stay or go?

And is it really different

if I take it back?

I know that nothin’ changes

I’ll be me

and you still you will be

I guess there’s nothin’ we could do or say

to change both our way

You’d said that you love

I’d said that I’m here

You’d told me you care

I’d also told you I love

Now I stop and stare

and gaze into the depths of me –

the anger, sad and broken part of me

And I ask myself who this man is –

this small, petty and bitter of a man –

Am I this man?

Has he been here all along or has he just arrived?

Either way

I guess it’s really hard to say

Tell you that I’m through

Had enough of loving you

None of us will bend

I’ll keep playing those silly little games

And you, so aloof, will swing by them

as if in a set at the park.

Can I honestly think

that if I change

you will change?

We will change

I dunno if this is right

and I dunno if it’s wrong

I want to say so many things

but I can’t say’em to your face

And I feel that

the next time we meet

our souls will set –

break – themselves apart

And I know that

the next time we each other see;

we’ll look into our eyes and nothin’

nothin’ we will see

And I’m sure that

the next time we meet

not even a tear from your eyes

will be cried

And I guarantee that

the next time we meet

I’ll be crying inside

and you’ll be all dry

And I believe that

the next time we meet

we will walk away –

away from us

And then it will not matter

if I scream or sing

if I speak or cry

if I beg or pleed

For no matter what happens

no matter what’s done

I will always be

be the other one

The non-important

not-there

not-loved

not-said

The not-thought-of

not-dreamt

not-missed

not-desired

The not-worthy-of-you one

And I’ll be all of those

and all of these

‘cause I am all of them

The one who you do not care about

The one that can vanish for years

The one that won’t be missed

‘Cause I’m sure I’m all of these

And the next time we meet

I’ll walk away and never look back

And you – well you –

will still be sitting there thinking of him

                                - - - and not of me

Arrumando o quarto no Carnaval! Super nicht war? Nichts! hehehe

Arrumando o meu quarto hoje descobri dois textos que eu escrevi há um bom tempo atrás!
Um é um poeminha que eu escrevi atrás de um folheto de um bazar. Nem me lembro mais o que estava pensando na hora, mas deve ter sido uma coisa de momento pra ter sido escrito aonde foi.
O outro foi uma redação que eu fiz quando eu estava no Kurs 3 na Cultura Alemã. Minha professora nos pediu uma redação; uma pequena história na verdade. E só dava pra ser pequena mesmo, afinal, com um pouco mais de 1 ano de estudo de Alemão não dá pra sair escrevendo odisséias e tudo mais né?
Enfim, no fim de semana anterior eu tinha visto um filme chamado Antes do Amanhecer (recomendo). É um filme de 95, meio antigo, mas muito bom! Mais tarde ele fizeram a continuação (e mais tarde eu me refiro à 2004) que se chama Antes do Pôr-do-Sol (também recomendo).
The point is, no filme, que se passa em Viena, a personagem vivida por Julie Delpy mostra a cidade para a personagem vivida por Ethan Hawke e eles passam, ou ela comenta, já não me lembro, sobre um cemitério que há (ou havia! acho que existe ainda) onde eles enterravam (enterram! sei lá) os corpos que o Danúbio carregava de outros lugares. Eram corpos sem nomes, por isso, tinha esse cemitério chamado Friedhof der Namenlosen (Cemitério dos Sem-Nomes). E ai eu escrevi sobre isso; de certa forma!
Estes dois posts abaixo são estes textos!

Friedhof der Namenlosen

Hallo!

Ich heiße Sven Utsch. Ich bin, oder war, Arzt von Beruf. Am 26. Juli, 1986 bin ich von München nach Wien gefahren als ein Auto gegen meins gefahren ist. Man hat mich in ein Krankenhaus in Wien gebracht für ein Jahr. Am 15. Juni 1987 bin ich gestorben.

Im Krankenhaus weiß niemand, wer ich bin dann hat man mich im Friedhof der Namenlosen in Wien begraben.

Heute ist es 2006 und ich habe für diese neunzehn Jahre auf jemanden von meiner Familie gewartet aber niemand ist gekommen deshalb, jeden Tag stehe ich neben meinem Grabstein, wie die alleine Seele, das bin ich.

Hier im Friedhof habe ich andere Seelen kennen gelernt. Wir wohnen hier und wir möchten alles zu unseren Familien zurück kommen aber wir können es nicht! Ein Verwandter muss uns finden dann können wir in Ruhe, mit ihm, ruhen. Aber niemand kommt.

Wir haben noch Hoffnung dass wir einen Tag mit ihr noch einmal sein können. Danach können wir, endlich, ruhen!

In times of Pain

In times when beauty is lost

In times when the truth is a lie

In times when love is wasted

I found in you a reason to believe

Believe that we can again be

Believe that the world is not

As dark as we thought it is

Believe in me again

In times of desperate hope

In times of mindless thought

And in time of wandering lots

I confide in you

For all my problems in you I trust

Trust that tomorrow will be a better day

Trust that there is a reason to life

Trust that I could be once again free!

Letter to----

Sometimes everything may be in its right place but still one part of me will miss another part of you. This part of mine, unfortunately, is the worst part of me. It will be jealous, it will want all of you for me and it will be trapped in a contained box of hidden feelings which I will never open nor will I admit and reveal it to anyone but me. I guess everyone has one of those. One of those boxes in our minds, barrier we all build up so that we do not explode and go round screaming at one another. Sometimes this box takes the most of me and creates a version of myself that I am not proud of; a part of me that wants to linger in all of those bad and sad feelings.

This letter is a way of expressing some of that; maybe not of those feelings, but the realization and the acceptance of their existence.

Right now, all I wanted to do was to close my eyes and feel the wind around me and take myself to that place of complete silence and peace and there remain; maybe for a minute, an hour or even eternity, for being back to reality is just too damn painful to me.

Anagram

Back to reality and

Right now, all I can think is you

I try not to but

All this distance makes me want you even more

Nothing I do can make me let you go

Just a dream - I know - of us together

All I ever did was to love you

More than I thought I could

Every single moment we had are kept in my mind

Sometimes it actually aches not being ‘round you

For one more moment with you, I’d give it all ‘cause

Restless is my heart

It craves and yearns to be with you once more

Even if for one single second

Dumb as it may sound but

Lost is how I feel now that I’m not around you

Reflections of an insomniac

Sometimes it’s no use fight over some things, like for example, trying to sleep when you know you’re not gonna make it. This is one of those days. Actually, lately I haven’t been getting too much sleep nor when I do are they the greatest. People, things, places and words keep on blurring in front of me; the world slowly fades away out of focus and all that I was hoping to see or hoping to exist cease to be right in front of me. Plans and dreams dissolves right before my own eyes and not even a single tear I can cry for them, for I could not see them disappear. Hearts being broken for the hundredth time this year; silly disputes between friends; foolish games to see who misses who first or who the better person is in this whole mess. Indeed, all we do is play. Play with each others’ feelings, dreams, hopes, fear and sorrow. We like to be entertained, even if that costs the love of the ones right next to us. We want to seem noble, so we embrace causes not worth fighting for. We chase the unknown and talk about God as if we were the example of faith and Christianity. We tell ourselves small white lies so that people see us with different eyes; to be accepted; to be known; to be cared about and for and above all, to me loved and missed.

In the end, does it really matter this whole shenanigan? Or is it all just some vain battle of broken egos and broken wings? The truth is we will never know what and why we are fighting for and against, nor will we ever truly realize the meaning of every single thing we do. We may think, or even believe that, that small thing we did or said means nothing when it comes to a global effect, but like the stroke of a butterfly’s wings can cause a hurricane on the other half of the world, the same can happen with our actions. One word may hurt someone deeper than we could ever imagine. Our simple problem may be the worst probation a person could be going through as well as the things we envy the most about people could be just phantoms of their biggest and inner problems.

Being able to thing about all these will not make me change who I am, nor will it make any of you change yourselves; after all, we could watch all those documentaries about how we are destroying our planet or about how junk food is bad for our health, but we would get in our SUVs and drive with the air-conditioning at full speed and head to a drive-thru to get ourselves that same junk food that made that guy from that movie whose name I forgot feel sick. The idea of it all is to try to make a change and whether it will come to a result or not depends entirely on us, but, as lazy we all are, few actually take a stand and decide to make a change.

I’m trying to make a change right now. A personal one though. I’m trying to become a better person and a kinder human being. I’m trying to be more responsible for my actions as well more disciplined and I’m also trying to actually stick to it this time. If it’ll prove to be helpful or successful – well, that only time will tell.