Broken-hearted on the 12th

If I could turn back time

Race against the clock

Relieve that moment once more

Be with you – smell your perfume

I know I should have told you

I realize that I am wrong

How can I ask for your love

When mine is not spoken at all

My heart beats and aches

It cries your name at any corner

My eyes do only see you

I cannot let go off of you

I cannot stop loving you

But I do can – and will – remain in silence

To fear fear

Someone, whose name I forgot right now, once said that “to fear love is to fear life and those who fear love are three parts dead”. But what is to fear life itself? Or even better; what is to fear fear?

Fear is what keeps us from going on with our lives. It is what holds all of our insecurities and bring them up at the wrong moment, place and time. I cannot say that I have never felt fear in my life; happy are the ones who can. Right now I’m afraid. Afraid of what may become of me in the future; scared of the wrong choices I might choose and above all, scared of having done it all wrong so far.

Some fears change, others what’s different and in some cases, even what’s normal and mundane. Fear hinders us from growing and slows our happiness. Never will I say that I know better or that all that I have lived was the right thing to do.

I have fallen in love with the wrong person, only to find out later that, the same person was in love with me all along, but just could not find a way to say so. I have judged people in the wrong way, in most of it, I was happily mistaken, but in others, the slap came so fast that I sometimes still wonder why.

There is no right path to life. There is no solution to our problems and dissatisfaction. Life, itself, is like this; one dissatisfaction after the other. Paul Gauguin was a painter whose life was filled with it. He was never happy with his family, housing, job. He lived in Paris, Tahiti, painted pictures of the tropical islands and later in his life, just before he died, while in a tropical paradise did he paint a snow scene in Paris.

We as human beings tend to analyze what people around us think and do; never doing so with ourselves. We fear the others. What they are, what they do, what they say and what they choose. But that is when we forget to stop and see; maybe, just maybe, all that we are criticizing, is simply a reflection of what we really are or what we really are drawn to.

Sometimes, letting go is the hardest thing in life to do. We are constantly being let down by people we have always judged as ‘solid’ in our lives. Friends from youth turn their back at us. Lovers simply walk out. Children leave their parents behind. And we, well, we are the worst one. We forget everything we create for ourselves. Every rule and every belief for anything that resembles – even if just a small glimpse – something better. And that is when all goes down to nothing. Everything loses it purpose, meaning, direction and sense. Everything seems empty, shallow, disposable and unwanted. Our lives stop once more, as it did many times before. Each and every stop seems like the last one. We lose our will to live, our desire to stand up and fight another day. Some complete this wish, others simply acknowledge that if they were to go right now, it would not make a difference, as for others, fighting this battle is what makes live so perfect in all its flaws.

Lágrimas na cama

Repentinamente, elas aparecem

Intensas como apenas elas podem ser

Carregando toda a dor – meus olhos cedem

Arrastando tudo que por frente possa ter

Rodeando meus pensamentos – os dias anoitecem

Dor! Uma que nunca passará

Olhos vermelhos de lágrima – os meus –

                                               eu posso mostrar

Acróstico

Jamais irei um dia, lhe dizer

Outra coisa senão palavras de

Afeto, respeito, admiração e

Orgulho em poder ser seu amigo

Caminhos, a nós, foram traçados

Através do tempo e espaço

Rodeando o que acreditamos e o que é

Largamente desconhecido – e o medo da

Obscuridade, improvável, daquele que amamos

Sempre será uma dor que carregaremos

Dentro da vida há a morte, e é com

Ela que aprendemos a viver

Outrora, seria bom reviver,

Levar aquele momento mais uma vez,

Intensamente, em nossa memória –

Vivo em nosso coração.

Eleito como aquele cuja perda mais dói,

Inconfundivelmente, como o mais amado.

Ricardo Naschberger Wünsch, dos olhos que não eram

Azuis, mas sim, verdes de uma beleza sem igual

Jamais, nunca, haverá alguém –

Único sempre será, o amor que por ele

Nutrimos e cativamos

Inteiramente livre de pudor e nenhum

Obstáculo era grande o suficiente para

Retornarmos para ele.

Tudo que posso fazer é

Agradecer a Deus por pessoas

Especiais como vocês em minha

Ridiculamente solitária vida.

Outros amados – como vocês – nunca mais acharei.

Aufwieder sehen amado!

"Toda a Humanidade é feita de um único autor e pertence a um único volume; quando um homem morre, um capítulo não é retirado do livro, mas sim traduzido para uma linguagem melhor, e cada capítulo desse modo será sempre traduzido. Deus se vale de vários tradutores; algumas peças são traduzidas pela idade, algumas pelas doenças, algumas pelas guerras, outras pela justiça, mas a mão de Deus está sempre em toda forma de tradução, e Sua mão sempre ata todas nossas folhas dispersas para que a biblioteca, onde todos os livros se encontram em paz possa se abrir para os outros. [...] Nenhum homem é uma ilha, inteiramente isolado; todo homem é um pedaço de um continente, uma parte de um todo. Se um torrão de terra for levado pelas águas do mar, a Europa fica diminuída, como se fosse um promontório, como se fosse o solar de teus amigos ou o teu próprio; a morte de qualquer homem me diminui, porque sou parte do gênero humano. E por isso não perguntai: Por quem os sinos dobram; eles dobram por vós." - John Donne - Meditação XVII

Rick, ich liebe dich und ich werde dich immer vermissen!
Obrigado por tudo que você foi para mim; pela amizade; pelos conselhos; por tudo!
Descanse em paz Loiro!

Next time

And I fell that

the next time we meet –

if we meet –

it will be our last

And I know that

no matter what we once said;

we will walk away -

away from each other

And I feel that

the next time we meet

I’ll have grown – but you;

you'll still be the same

And does it really matter

if I stay or go?

And is it really different

if I take it back?

I know that nothin’ changes

I’ll be me

and you still you will be

I guess there’s nothin’ we could do or say

to change both our way

You’d said that you love

I’d said that I’m here

You’d told me you care

I’d also told you I love

Now I stop and stare

and gaze into the depths of me –

the anger, sad and broken part of me

And I ask myself who this man is –

this small, petty and bitter of a man –

Am I this man?

Has he been here all along or has he just arrived?

Either way

I guess it’s really hard to say

Tell you that I’m through

Had enough of loving you

None of us will bend

I’ll keep playing those silly little games

And you, so aloof, will swing by them

as if in a set at the park.

Can I honestly think

that if I change

you will change?

We will change

I dunno if this is right

and I dunno if it’s wrong

I want to say so many things

but I can’t say’em to your face

And I feel that

the next time we meet

our souls will set –

break – themselves apart

And I know that

the next time we each other see;

we’ll look into our eyes and nothin’

nothin’ we will see

And I’m sure that

the next time we meet

not even a tear from your eyes

will be cried

And I guarantee that

the next time we meet

I’ll be crying inside

and you’ll be all dry

And I believe that

the next time we meet

we will walk away –

away from us

And then it will not matter

if I scream or sing

if I speak or cry

if I beg or pleed

For no matter what happens

no matter what’s done

I will always be

be the other one

The non-important

not-there

not-loved

not-said

The not-thought-of

not-dreamt

not-missed

not-desired

The not-worthy-of-you one

And I’ll be all of those

and all of these

‘cause I am all of them

The one who you do not care about

The one that can vanish for years

The one that won’t be missed

‘Cause I’m sure I’m all of these

And the next time we meet

I’ll walk away and never look back

And you – well you –

will still be sitting there thinking of him

                                - - - and not of me

Arrumando o quarto no Carnaval! Super nicht war? Nichts! hehehe

Arrumando o meu quarto hoje descobri dois textos que eu escrevi há um bom tempo atrás!
Um é um poeminha que eu escrevi atrás de um folheto de um bazar. Nem me lembro mais o que estava pensando na hora, mas deve ter sido uma coisa de momento pra ter sido escrito aonde foi.
O outro foi uma redação que eu fiz quando eu estava no Kurs 3 na Cultura Alemã. Minha professora nos pediu uma redação; uma pequena história na verdade. E só dava pra ser pequena mesmo, afinal, com um pouco mais de 1 ano de estudo de Alemão não dá pra sair escrevendo odisséias e tudo mais né?
Enfim, no fim de semana anterior eu tinha visto um filme chamado Antes do Amanhecer (recomendo). É um filme de 95, meio antigo, mas muito bom! Mais tarde ele fizeram a continuação (e mais tarde eu me refiro à 2004) que se chama Antes do Pôr-do-Sol (também recomendo).
The point is, no filme, que se passa em Viena, a personagem vivida por Julie Delpy mostra a cidade para a personagem vivida por Ethan Hawke e eles passam, ou ela comenta, já não me lembro, sobre um cemitério que há (ou havia! acho que existe ainda) onde eles enterravam (enterram! sei lá) os corpos que o Danúbio carregava de outros lugares. Eram corpos sem nomes, por isso, tinha esse cemitério chamado Friedhof der Namenlosen (Cemitério dos Sem-Nomes). E ai eu escrevi sobre isso; de certa forma!
Estes dois posts abaixo são estes textos!

Friedhof der Namenlosen

Hallo!

Ich heiße Sven Utsch. Ich bin, oder war, Arzt von Beruf. Am 26. Juli, 1986 bin ich von München nach Wien gefahren als ein Auto gegen meins gefahren ist. Man hat mich in ein Krankenhaus in Wien gebracht für ein Jahr. Am 15. Juni 1987 bin ich gestorben.

Im Krankenhaus weiß niemand, wer ich bin dann hat man mich im Friedhof der Namenlosen in Wien begraben.

Heute ist es 2006 und ich habe für diese neunzehn Jahre auf jemanden von meiner Familie gewartet aber niemand ist gekommen deshalb, jeden Tag stehe ich neben meinem Grabstein, wie die alleine Seele, das bin ich.

Hier im Friedhof habe ich andere Seelen kennen gelernt. Wir wohnen hier und wir möchten alles zu unseren Familien zurück kommen aber wir können es nicht! Ein Verwandter muss uns finden dann können wir in Ruhe, mit ihm, ruhen. Aber niemand kommt.

Wir haben noch Hoffnung dass wir einen Tag mit ihr noch einmal sein können. Danach können wir, endlich, ruhen!

In times of Pain

In times when beauty is lost

In times when the truth is a lie

In times when love is wasted

I found in you a reason to believe

Believe that we can again be

Believe that the world is not

As dark as we thought it is

Believe in me again

In times of desperate hope

In times of mindless thought

And in time of wandering lots

I confide in you

For all my problems in you I trust

Trust that tomorrow will be a better day

Trust that there is a reason to life

Trust that I could be once again free!

Letter to----

Sometimes everything may be in its right place but still one part of me will miss another part of you. This part of mine, unfortunately, is the worst part of me. It will be jealous, it will want all of you for me and it will be trapped in a contained box of hidden feelings which I will never open nor will I admit and reveal it to anyone but me. I guess everyone has one of those. One of those boxes in our minds, barrier we all build up so that we do not explode and go round screaming at one another. Sometimes this box takes the most of me and creates a version of myself that I am not proud of; a part of me that wants to linger in all of those bad and sad feelings.

This letter is a way of expressing some of that; maybe not of those feelings, but the realization and the acceptance of their existence.

Right now, all I wanted to do was to close my eyes and feel the wind around me and take myself to that place of complete silence and peace and there remain; maybe for a minute, an hour or even eternity, for being back to reality is just too damn painful to me.

Anagram

Back to reality and

Right now, all I can think is you

I try not to but

All this distance makes me want you even more

Nothing I do can make me let you go

Just a dream - I know - of us together

All I ever did was to love you

More than I thought I could

Every single moment we had are kept in my mind

Sometimes it actually aches not being ‘round you

For one more moment with you, I’d give it all ‘cause

Restless is my heart

It craves and yearns to be with you once more

Even if for one single second

Dumb as it may sound but

Lost is how I feel now that I’m not around you

Reflections of an insomniac

Sometimes it’s no use fight over some things, like for example, trying to sleep when you know you’re not gonna make it. This is one of those days. Actually, lately I haven’t been getting too much sleep nor when I do are they the greatest. People, things, places and words keep on blurring in front of me; the world slowly fades away out of focus and all that I was hoping to see or hoping to exist cease to be right in front of me. Plans and dreams dissolves right before my own eyes and not even a single tear I can cry for them, for I could not see them disappear. Hearts being broken for the hundredth time this year; silly disputes between friends; foolish games to see who misses who first or who the better person is in this whole mess. Indeed, all we do is play. Play with each others’ feelings, dreams, hopes, fear and sorrow. We like to be entertained, even if that costs the love of the ones right next to us. We want to seem noble, so we embrace causes not worth fighting for. We chase the unknown and talk about God as if we were the example of faith and Christianity. We tell ourselves small white lies so that people see us with different eyes; to be accepted; to be known; to be cared about and for and above all, to me loved and missed.

In the end, does it really matter this whole shenanigan? Or is it all just some vain battle of broken egos and broken wings? The truth is we will never know what and why we are fighting for and against, nor will we ever truly realize the meaning of every single thing we do. We may think, or even believe that, that small thing we did or said means nothing when it comes to a global effect, but like the stroke of a butterfly’s wings can cause a hurricane on the other half of the world, the same can happen with our actions. One word may hurt someone deeper than we could ever imagine. Our simple problem may be the worst probation a person could be going through as well as the things we envy the most about people could be just phantoms of their biggest and inner problems.

Being able to thing about all these will not make me change who I am, nor will it make any of you change yourselves; after all, we could watch all those documentaries about how we are destroying our planet or about how junk food is bad for our health, but we would get in our SUVs and drive with the air-conditioning at full speed and head to a drive-thru to get ourselves that same junk food that made that guy from that movie whose name I forgot feel sick. The idea of it all is to try to make a change and whether it will come to a result or not depends entirely on us, but, as lazy we all are, few actually take a stand and decide to make a change.

I’m trying to make a change right now. A personal one though. I’m trying to become a better person and a kinder human being. I’m trying to be more responsible for my actions as well more disciplined and I’m also trying to actually stick to it this time. If it’ll prove to be helpful or successful – well, that only time will tell.